Stress

I had nearly forgotten about this blog, honestly. But this, is just something I need to tell someone, anyone. I don't even care if no one reads it, I just need to say or write the words out loud.

I'm losing weight. Rapidly.

Just a couple weeks ago I was was 95 lbs, and I've dropped down to 89, and that was just the last time I checked. I haven't been able to for the past few days because my stepmother took the scale when she moved out.

Stress and weight are never a good combination for me. Now, my mother, who left in January for a job, left that job for a man and has all but replaced me with his three daughters. My stepfamily has moved out of the house and taken everything, including the dogs, with them. I've pushed my best friend away, to the point we don't talk anymore. I've pushed everyone away to that point. The only person I talk to is my dad. Everyone else is just over the computer, text, or not at all. If it wasn't for baby-sitting, I'd think I had gone mute. Last week, I didn't even get out of bed. I just got up once to eat lunch, and then again for dinner. I'm slipping back to how I was. I ache all over and I can't tell anymore why.

Then today, I looked down at my hands and say they were peeling. Lotion hasn't helped at all. I'm so scared this is just another symptom, that I'm getting sicker. I can't be getting sicker, not now. Not on top of all this. I'm leaving or college in just a few weeks, I'm supposed to be happy and free. I can't handle all this, I can't.

And I can't eat. I make myself eat but it's not enough. In just two months, I've lost nearly 10 lbs. And that's without ballet. If this was the school year, I shudder to think how much I would have lost. I know I need help, but who can I tell? I've pushed away anyone I can actually talk too, and can hold me while I cry. The only ones I have left, are the ones from chat. But we're already falling apart again. I've already bothered them with just angry vents, I don't want to bother them with this. I don't know how, I've forgotten how to tell people, I've forgotten how to ask for help. I just want someone to hold me, and tell me this is a nightmare. I just want to wake up and find out it's December. That this year hasn't happened.

Hell

Hell

Hell is growing up wishing your parents will divorce
how else can the fighting stop?
Hell is realizing the fighting only gets worse when wishes come true
Hell is holding a knife in one hand a bottle of pills in the other
just a text away from burning
Hell is trying to cut yourself with an earring, and not feeling a thing
Hell is the only ones who understand, are a computer screen apart
Hell is parental fighting ending and angels turning into devils
Hell is being at peace
Hell is seeing history repeat itself
Hell is having a timetable for love
Hell is growing up


Not the best I've ever written, but I've always sucked at poetry.

Lust

***WARNING*** This might be slightly graphic.

It's lust. I know it is. I spilled my guts to you, and all you could say was "Want to go to the back so we can sit together?" But when we're together, it's magic.

Just now, when we went to the field, I'm still shaky. I could feel your member pressing into my side as we lay at an angle of sorts. Your leg, bent a little at the knee, pressed against my sex as if it was your member. It felt wonderful. I can still feel your mouth at mine, traveling down my neck to my breasts. Do you know how close you were to my nipple? You kept asking if I was ok, and I sure was. You don't realize how much you affect me. You hand, trailing just underneath, or to the side of my breast. You wouldn't touch it until I told you it was alright, even though I'd told you before it was fine. The feeling of you kissing me while your hand grazed across my breasts was like something from a movie. Then you kissing one breast while your hand held the other felt unreal.

When it was time to go, I was clueless. I couldn't think. It took me awhile to be able to use my head, and even longer to get my legs working again. How did I walk from the car to the house? Was I floating? What are you doing to me?

Study?

Omg. Tonight. I...god. Every time we go out I swear I fall more in love with you. You didn't grope me, but you could have. You already have, to be completely honest. You kissed my breast, but you stopped at the bra. God this is going to be stuck in my head for the next few weeks, isn't it? It feels diferent with you on top of me. In a good way though. It's amazing to see you lower yourself over me with that look on your face. It felt strange to feel your member pressing into my stomach, but in a good way. It feels rather big, but not too big. And where did you learn to kiss like that? Not with me, surely? Who knows why you bitting my lip feels so good, but it does.

And when we only had half an hour left, as we just sat there and you held me rubbing my stoamch, I could just see us sitting like that in 10 years or so with a baby on the way. It's so stupid, and god knows I thought the same thing with my first boyfriend, but I never feel like a little girl with you. I always feel like a woman.

No, I guess we haven't talked again like we have before, we have a little, but not like that night. But then again, we've never had a night like that night again, have we? We've never had a whole night lying in bed together. We will though someday, whether it's by getting married or lying to our parents once you turn 18 and doing it ourselves, or maybe even both. I love you. Maybe we won't last long past high school, but for now you're what I need. Don't ever go, please. I love you.

Possibly wrong

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe she's wrong to. Maybe this really is love. The way you looked at me the other day, it was...I have no words for it. All I was doing was grabbing my books from my locker. You were leaning your head against the open door and looking at me as if, god I don't even know. Like I was the only one there, even though our friends were standing around talking? When I glanced at you, I had to stop when I saw the look on your face. I think I forgot to breathe, I know I have no clue what they were saying.

I can't get you out of my head. Every time I try, it just gets worse. It'll start off innocently enough, just remembering your face from the other day, but then it'll slowly change into your face in the shadows of your car. Then I can feel you kissing me, one hand touching my butt, the other rubbing my back. I can feel your hair in my hands, maybe your neck in one. Then it'll change to your mouth on my neck, while your hand cups my breast. I'll get a shiver that goes from my heart, straight down to my sex, when I'll then realize what I'm thinking and try to shake the thoughts from my head. But I'm already turned on, I can feel the wetness.

I don't know what I'm going to do. We both have to focus, and I'm sure you're just as messed up as I am. What are we going to do? We have to apply to colleges, write a senior paper, and do normal schoolwork. This is probably why adults tell us to stay out of a sexual relationship. You haven't touched my sex, and I haven't touched your member, but we're still going nuts. We can't focus at all. I forgot to turn in a really important paper because I was too busy trying to finish the book so I could go on a date with you.

So I guess maybe what we have is a mixture of the two. You definitely love me. It's written all over your face when you look at me. I know I love you, this feels different than anything I've ever known, and I can't sleep at night because I want you to hold me. Not sleep with me, hold me. But there's also lust. Your mouth lightly kissing the top of my breast, your member pulsing against my thigh. For now, this is all we can do. Anything more and I doubt we'd be able to function. So I love you, and I'll see you Tuesday.

Nothing more

So that's it then. We're nothing more than another teenage love. Talking to her the other day made me realize that. She, who has so many issues with guys, and can never keep a boyfriend for more than a week could describe exactly how I feel with you. God how could I be so stupid? Of course you're not the one, I just want you to be. I want to be able to say "He's my high school sweetheart" I want to be able to believe in love again.

But this isn't love. all this is, is lust. Nothing more. Of course we can't be in love. We're only 17. What do we know? But you're hands in my hair, your mouth on my neck, all that makes me think that maybe, just maybe we could be more. But we can't. It's just a teenage love.

I am who I don't want to be. She broke his heart by saying it was only a high school fling, but she's right. 17 is to young to know anything. And with college on the way, it'll be close to impossible to keep up together.

And that's what hurts the most.

Love?

God I can't focus. Every time I start reading, my mind starts to wander and all I can think of is you. Our first night together. How you shook when we kissed; you were so scared. How you tucked my hair behind my ear. How we talked. I told you things I hadn't ever admitted to anyone. You told me things I'm sure you've never told anyone.

I close my eyes and I can feel you kissing me in the backseat of your truck. I can feel your holding my head. I can feel your lips against my neck. I remember being terrified you'd go farther, but wishing that you would. I hear our involuntary moans.

Every time, I stop myself and take a deep breath. I can't think about that now, I have to finish this book so I can start the next, then write that paper. But I can't. My thoughts will drift back to you. They'll wander to the future. How we're going to pull of sneaking out Saturday. And I know we agreed to no sex, you said you weren't even thinking of doing that. You understand we've only been dating 3 months, but still a part of me wonders. A part of me wants to. And that scares me. We're going to be alone, in the dark, in the bed of a truck. How can we not? How can we not when I've felt you harden, and all you were doing was holding me as we sat in the car? How can we not when as we made out, I could feel your hardness pulsing between my legs? How can we not, if when I got home and was undressing to take a shower, my underwear was wet?

But it's not just about the making out. There's also how we hold each other, say nothing, and still feel like it's enough. There's the moments when we stop kissing and I look at you. That look on your face, I've only seen it once in my life; it's how Tim McGraw looks at Faith Hill. It's how you looked at me as you rubbed my back when I said it was hurting. Those little moments, then mean everything.

So what do we have? Is it just teenage lust? Or is this love? Can two teenagers even know what love is? All we've got is this year. We're leaving in the fall for college. You will stay somewhere here in the state, while I go somewhere in the south. What are we going to do?

For now, all I can do is hope that these words will leave my head, if only temporarily. All I can do is hope your lips will leave my neck, your hands slip out from under my shirt, and let me focus. Just get through this week when you're away. Then when we do have all night together, remember, and make more memories.