So that's it then. We're nothing more than another teenage love. Talking to her the other day made me realize that. She, who has so many issues with guys, and can never keep a boyfriend for more than a week could describe exactly how I feel with you. God how could I be so stupid? Of course you're not the one, I just want you to be. I want to be able to say "He's my high school sweetheart" I want to be able to believe in love again.
But this isn't love. all this is, is lust. Nothing more. Of course we can't be in love. We're only 17. What do we know? But you're hands in my hair, your mouth on my neck, all that makes me think that maybe, just maybe we could be more. But we can't. It's just a teenage love.
I am who I don't want to be. She broke his heart by saying it was only a high school fling, but she's right. 17 is to young to know anything. And with college on the way, it'll be close to impossible to keep up together.
And that's what hurts the most.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Love?
God I can't focus. Every time I start reading, my mind starts to wander and all I can think of is you. Our first night together. How you shook when we kissed; you were so scared. How you tucked my hair behind my ear. How we talked. I told you things I hadn't ever admitted to anyone. You told me things I'm sure you've never told anyone.
I close my eyes and I can feel you kissing me in the backseat of your truck. I can feel your holding my head. I can feel your lips against my neck. I remember being terrified you'd go farther, but wishing that you would. I hear our involuntary moans.
Every time, I stop myself and take a deep breath. I can't think about that now, I have to finish this book so I can start the next, then write that paper. But I can't. My thoughts will drift back to you. They'll wander to the future. How we're going to pull of sneaking out Saturday. And I know we agreed to no sex, you said you weren't even thinking of doing that. You understand we've only been dating 3 months, but still a part of me wonders. A part of me wants to. And that scares me. We're going to be alone, in the dark, in the bed of a truck. How can we not? How can we not when I've felt you harden, and all you were doing was holding me as we sat in the car? How can we not when as we made out, I could feel your hardness pulsing between my legs? How can we not, if when I got home and was undressing to take a shower, my underwear was wet?
But it's not just about the making out. There's also how we hold each other, say nothing, and still feel like it's enough. There's the moments when we stop kissing and I look at you. That look on your face, I've only seen it once in my life; it's how Tim McGraw looks at Faith Hill. It's how you looked at me as you rubbed my back when I said it was hurting. Those little moments, then mean everything.
So what do we have? Is it just teenage lust? Or is this love? Can two teenagers even know what love is? All we've got is this year. We're leaving in the fall for college. You will stay somewhere here in the state, while I go somewhere in the south. What are we going to do?
For now, all I can do is hope that these words will leave my head, if only temporarily. All I can do is hope your lips will leave my neck, your hands slip out from under my shirt, and let me focus. Just get through this week when you're away. Then when we do have all night together, remember, and make more memories.
I close my eyes and I can feel you kissing me in the backseat of your truck. I can feel your holding my head. I can feel your lips against my neck. I remember being terrified you'd go farther, but wishing that you would. I hear our involuntary moans.
Every time, I stop myself and take a deep breath. I can't think about that now, I have to finish this book so I can start the next, then write that paper. But I can't. My thoughts will drift back to you. They'll wander to the future. How we're going to pull of sneaking out Saturday. And I know we agreed to no sex, you said you weren't even thinking of doing that. You understand we've only been dating 3 months, but still a part of me wonders. A part of me wants to. And that scares me. We're going to be alone, in the dark, in the bed of a truck. How can we not? How can we not when I've felt you harden, and all you were doing was holding me as we sat in the car? How can we not when as we made out, I could feel your hardness pulsing between my legs? How can we not, if when I got home and was undressing to take a shower, my underwear was wet?
But it's not just about the making out. There's also how we hold each other, say nothing, and still feel like it's enough. There's the moments when we stop kissing and I look at you. That look on your face, I've only seen it once in my life; it's how Tim McGraw looks at Faith Hill. It's how you looked at me as you rubbed my back when I said it was hurting. Those little moments, then mean everything.
So what do we have? Is it just teenage lust? Or is this love? Can two teenagers even know what love is? All we've got is this year. We're leaving in the fall for college. You will stay somewhere here in the state, while I go somewhere in the south. What are we going to do?
For now, all I can do is hope that these words will leave my head, if only temporarily. All I can do is hope your lips will leave my neck, your hands slip out from under my shirt, and let me focus. Just get through this week when you're away. Then when we do have all night together, remember, and make more memories.
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